The history of the world, part 3.

Chemistry:

Imagine a “V”.  At the top left is hydrogen.  At the bottom is iron.  All of the elements on the left want to be iron so they roll down the side until they pick up enough weight (like snowballs) to become iron.  But there is only so much room at the bottom – so as more iron molecules are created, they push heavier elements up the other side by tossing more weight on them until they get to the top and become uranium. 

It's not easy, because all of the elements on the right want to be iron, too.  If they have a chance, they decay and fall back to the bottom – they come crashing down like boulders and release a lot of energy.  The amount of energy the elements on the left pick up by speeding down the left side of the “V” is exactly equal to the amount of energy released by the elements being pushed up the right side as they crash (decay) back to iron.

Floating above the iron at the bottom is a little cloud of noble gases which just sit there and basically do nothing.  Since they do basically nothing, we can ignore them until next week.

Thus is explained the entire periodic table and all of the laws of thermodynamics.  It can all be easily explained by the phrase “Shit rolls downhill but has to be shoveled uphill.'  It can be demonstrated by a trip to the Grand Canyon or, with sufficient cleavage, you can have a 'show and tell' – but the lesson always ends prematurely.

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In the early days everyone was named  “Oog”.  People who gagged when they said “Oog' were called “Jon”.  To differentiate between them as the population grew, they became “Oog Jon's son” and “Oolga, Jon's Dottir” – which they are still named in Iceland where the population doesn't grow very fast and there are still only two names.

As people migrated to places like England to Scotland to escape the hangman, they assumed pseudonyms which described what they did, like  Jon the black smith which eventually became “John Smith”.   As they sneaked away from Rome and into places like France (Gaul), they became known for the kinds of food they made…like Jon-who picks-many-berries…which eventually became Berry More, Chucky Cheeze, Harvey Milk, Lindsey Graham, Olive Oyl,  Le Petomaine and so forth.

People who moved to places like chlekez…. czkeokav….Russia, forgot how to talk and just called each other the names of body functions like Kruschev and Putin.

Borders were defined by rivers or mountains. People would stand on the sides of rivers and expose their buttocks to the people on the other side, along with making disgusting sounds and rude Italian hand gestures.  This is the reason archery and, eventually, firearms and airplanes were invented.  And riding elephants.

Other favorite pastimes included digging muck, dressing up in metal suits and then taunting people until they stuck a sharp blade in your eye, torturing peasants to death to show them how much God loved them and stealing food from short people – which was very taxing to the people and was aptly named 'taxing the people'.  It's still called that today except now we get to pick who is going to steal our money.  That's perfectly fine but it's called 'stealing' if anyone else does it.  The word 'rape' is derived from Latin and means “That bastard didn't pay me”.  The words 'rape' and 'tax' have very similar meanings and origins. People are trained to rape and torture in trade schools called 'The TSA'.  People who can't get jobs in greasy fast-food joints can still wear uniforms and become rapists and pedophiles by joining the TSA or the ministry or moving to Wasilla.

Thus is explained language, history, geography and the taxonomy of names.

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Religion.

The most published book in history is now the Bible.  It serves the same lofty purpose as the Sears & Roebuck catalogs used to.  Everyone carries a Bible around but no one ever reads them. There is a Gideon's Bible in every outhouse in the world.  The first parts that go missing are the genealogies.  Usually the only parts left are the Song of Solomon and the bits which tell you how much money you can get for your daughter's virginity.  The guy has to pay, or the daughter is 'playing the whore' and must be burned or stoned.

Of the 31,101 verses in the KJV 1611 (Authorized) bible, only a few hundred do not deal with horrible, extreme violence from (or ordered by) God.  I dare anyone to debate that fact with me.  I'll open Psalms and pray you to death.

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Math:

Math was invented by early American natives who had access to various animal skins from across the Bering strait when it was a land bridge.  Wealth was determined by the rarity of the skin the wife sat on – thus it was determined that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

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Next time:  Why ornamental people have squinty eyes and epithelial folds – and what are they hiding down there? 

90% of success is showing up.  Getting the math right is the other 50%.

-T
Aut viam inveniam aut  faciamaut viam inveniam aut faciam.
-Hannibal
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